All I Need

It's been awhile since I've posted up something. But here goes nothing.

I used to ask my dad before he went out to see his clients to tell my mother to not scold me. I was afraid of her. I always wanted my dad instead of my mom. Closer to my dad I would say.

I got mad at her for a lot of things. When she forgot to pack me lunch, when she didn't buy me the toy I wanted, when she was late picking me up from school, when she thought that piano was good for me, when she found the love note I was supposed to give my crush, when I just didn't had the way of things. I threw tantrums, I yelled at her, I tore my exercise books, I cried and I tried hitting her with my tiny hands.

I never said sorry to her even after we fight. Never when I was a kid. I never liked my mom then cause all I ever thought was she was here to make my life miserable. No matter how many things she's done for me, I wouldn't say thank you either.

It took me quite a while to figure out everything really. It was only when she fainted that time, then I realized it was not a very nice feeling to lose her. She was my mother. Then I wondered how she felt when I told my dad not to scold me, how she felt when I yelled at her, when I threw tantrums, when I tried to hit her, when I didn't say sorry after a fight, when I told her I didn't like her when I was a kid. I cried that night. She was fine, don't get me wrong, but it made a big impact on me.

She was there for every single of my birthdays. She was there for every concert I performed in. She was there for report card day. She was there when I broke down when I was in a difficult position. She was there when I got heart broken. She was there when I was in the hospital. She was there for me. Always.

Now, I kiss her on the cheek when I come home or when I leave the house. I still hold her hand in shopping malls. I run errands for her when I have the time or when she needs help.  I do get mad at her occasionally but I realize that it is my fault sometimes. When we do get the chance alone, we talk about everything, ranting to her about certain people, telling her the stupid thing I did the other day in uni, about Julius, about my friends, almost everything, not everything, but enough for her to know what's going on in my life.

I can never imagine how life would be without her. I dont know how I'm going to make through Aussie without her. I dont know who I'm going to kiss on the cheek and hug or hold their hand when I need to. I will always love you and need you, mommy. I'm sorry for all the stupid things I've done to make you worry, to make you lose sleep, to make you angry, I'm sorry. But for the rest of the things, I want to thank you. To the moment you gave birth to me, to this very day when you gave me kiss on the cheek and asked me how my night was. I love you, mommy. Happy Mother's Day.


Toodles with tears and love,
Alanna the Banana