Never leave you

Since it's STILL the holidays for me, I have a lot of spare in time in my hands. And sometimes, my mind does often wander. But most of the times these days, I've been thinking about death.

In the car, when I'm driving, I imagine myself just driving at a normal pace and suddenly a huge truck comes by the side of me in high velocity that it crashes into the driver's seat which has Moi in it. Therefore, death. And I wonder how parents would receive the news, how other loved one would take it.

Walking down the stairs, I imagine I slip and fall down the flight and I die with internal bleeding in my head. Actually, before dying, my parents find me and calls 999. I go to the hospital in a coma. Relatives come and visit me. My mom and dad crying telling me stories that I've never heard or I have forgotten. Friends coming to visit me and they do their best not to shed tears. Then of course, I imagine that I never wake up and hence, death.

When I come back home late at night after a date, I get down from the car and walk towards my house. Then I start thinking that there's a serial killer on the loose and he walks up behind me and just stabs me on the shoulder, and I turn back and he takes out the knife and stabs me again, this time, through my heart. He leaves me there to bleed to death. I can't cry, I can't shout for help. All I can do is watch the killer running off as my vision starts to fade and I die. Funeral arrangements are made and people cry, flowers are given. And my body gets cremated.

Oh there are a lot more scenes of how I picture myself die. One with someone pushing me towards and escalator going down. Imagine lots of cuts and hands getting stuck on the escalator. Another one with someone kidnapping me in the toilet of an empty mall. Oh many many more. I'm probably so conscious about my driving these days, and I make sure I don't run down the stairs, and I usually have someone at home with the gates open when I arrive home after a late night. Oh, I hold the banister on the escalators and I stay in the yellow box, I don't want my foot getting stuck in there. I usually go to the toilet with someone. If I'm alone,  make sure there's at least 2 people inside it. I think I'm paranoid. Ah, what can I do?


Toodles with paranoia,
Alanna the Banana